I Honestly Have Nothing to Say

This picture gives me goosebumps, there is no other way to explain it. It makes me interpret one look, one photo so many different ways & I was the one who took it

I Would Never Wish This Upon Anybody

    

In the post I am basically going to be very blunt and say exactly what I did earlier/commented on Jessica’s blog. In the freshman group we run into a lot of roadblocks, I am not sure how or why. Maybe it’s because we all have leader-ish personality types, maybe it’s that we all want to have our idea incorporated. I can keep guessing but this would take me days or years. Next, all some people did  was they would criticize our way of going about things, because they are used to working more on independent projects, when they are in charge of their work. I feel that I, myself have more of a leadership type personality. In no way am I saying that I am the best leader and whatever I say is golden. I need to explain to those reading this that the Freshman group was just as bad as the Senior group, and maybe in some ways a little worse.

            I myself in the group was finding that even after the conversation we had today, we were just as bad, but instead of talking about what we where to do and which idea we could work off of; it was all about do we continue this project democratically or monarchy type? We were basically crawling in circles with all this different controversy with other people’s opinions.  No matter what any of us did I never felt quite satisfied with the level of respect we have/had for one another. I am not going to lie yes, when we started acting our age all my respect for almost every single member went out the window. As it was mentioned in Jessica’s and Danny’s post about group members they might have taken what I said as moving backward. I directly said to the group when talking today that “I am done,” and what I meant and tried to explain is, I am done with this shit. I am done trying to get everyone to shut up. I have a problem outside of STAC pertaining to one of the group members, my own opinion is bias just because of this problem, and it’s not fair for what my personal opinion of someone to affect the project because it is not fair to the group as a whole. I feel like I do often voice my opinion and was a bit of a control freak of being bossy and not letting everyone speak their mind. To fix this situation and make it a better environment I told the group that “I am done, I give up I will do whatever you tell me to do.” When I said I am done I meant it to beneficiary to the group as a whole to let it become fairer & less hostile . Instead, some took this as a sign that I had just given up on the whole group as a people/team, that I was adding more negative energy to the group and just didn’t want to fight to let my ideas be heard anymore.

            Now you have to understand, for about 5 seconds this silenced my group. After the silence I was basically bashed right in front of everyone and told that I can’t do that. This is STAC you can’t just say I am done and be done with it, it’s a group project and we are a group when you decide to let things go you are hurting all of us; we sink or swim together, remember? By this point I had already been upset that we had all been fighting, because for the most part we are all great friends. No one else had said this and only me, I had been singled out and demeaned and told that I was wrong I was letting everyone down when I thought I was being mature and helping the group solve part of its problems. After trying to listen to a few other people speak after this I couldn’t make eye contact. I was staring at the floor tiles. I felt trapped. Some people’s eyes felt just like Jessica mentioned like they were throwing daggers at me.  

            No one had defended what I said no one had even remotely tried to understand what I was saying. I started to pinch myself when I felt my emotions wrapping me up in a blanket and my eyes staring to tear up with all the power I had left in me I tried to fight the waterfall of held back emotion but after 4 people spoke I couldn’t even speak (to say I was going to the bathroom because my lip was trembling. I didn’t want to do this because while we were talking and someone said they were going to the bathroom they got “air-quotes” making it seem like they were trying to avoid talking about the group. At this point I honestly would rather be picked on more than look like I want attention and cry.  I pushed back my stool and walked out, I couldn’t help it; I see crying as a weakness. As I walked to the bathroom I saw Ashley walking and just as I walked past the auditorium doors I start getting teary-eyed and I know I am letting my emotions through the cracks. Once I got to the bathroom I open the door and said I can’t take it anymore and broke down crying. At this moment in time I am guessing I was crying for myself and Ashley because I knew what she felt when she was the one who felt like she was letting others down & was out-ed by her group.

            The thing is, I am pretty sure no one knew I had cried except Ashley and maybe those who didn’t say anything. I walked in and the bell rang, picked up my bag, and walked Ashley to her car so like I said not really anyone knew that was the reason I left. I guess they thought I was also avoiding the problem, but in actuality I was dug down in a whole so low by my group that I felt I was completely and utterly useless.  I needed to leave and you can sugar-coat it anyway you want but by leaving I did the right thing. I would have hurt the group to stay. This was not a pleasant experience and come Monday I don’t want to repeat it and I don’t think anyone wants to feel this way nor would I ever wish this upon anybody.

Hell yeah man

I am now able to comment, and I have no idea why. I think this is exactly one thing I have learned to accept in my life? Usually, I completely obsessive over figuring something out or whatnot but when I give up and stop trying so hard I usually get what I want. For example, when I was about 5 I had a Broadway Belle (from Beauty and the Beast) doll. I lost it just about 3 months after I got it, and for me this doll was god. I went crazy looking for it, probably cried over it too. Then, when I was 6 and had completely forgotten about it, I found it in the green toy bin (Where all the toys are kept.)  Funny, I didn't look in the most obvious spot. This is a reoccurring problem, I lose things a lot because one I am disorganized & two, I think I have short term memory loss. I guess you could say that’s cool you don't have to work hard to get what you want. Most people assume that I just get things without practice or work, but the truth is I do not want to be the person doing nothing. Back to being able to comment on other peoples blogs, I tried to figure out the first two weeks of school on how to do this I even brought my laptop to school Megan and I couldn't figure it out either. Now, all of a sudden I can comment? Weird, but I am still happy about it and will continue to be happy about it.

I'll never forget you dada...

Did anyone else laugh when reading "da-da dot dot dot?" No? I guess it's only me then...

I feel the dada concept itself is so interesting. It has many “layers,” as I am going to take from Shianna who made the Shrek reference during dada art. Everyone’s projects where amazing, dada music, art, dance, writing, it was a wonderful mess of mismosh and what not and everything all together. I feel that as a whole we totally blew all expectations at the projects in several different ways, such as thinking outside the box & presentation. No one expected the dada art to have a toilet that squirts water & melted crayon on a skull, I mean who even thinks about that, let alone does it. The dance group in how the incorporated the only male to try and be killed towards the end of the number. My take on that was that it also could’ve been a message that not all women need a man to solve their problems and that sometimes them trying to help actually just hurts you more. The music, there was just so much unexpected there, when some people started clapping when they had their brief pause besides the people in the group & those with a good instinct knew something was coming, just not what. Half the time, scratch that, most of the time I couldn’t make out the words that Jon said. In my opinion it didn’t matter. The writing, that’s a whole different ball game, I mean even when Emily had the incident with the water & lollipops falling to the ground; did that stop her? No, she kept on going and making rice crispy lollipops. I was thinking to myself god, I hope everyone is paying attention and isn’t eating them still. My group I feel was the creepiest of all and while I was performing gave me goose bumps, especially when I saw my reflection in the mirror.

Honesty post

            Well there’s probably the most interesting thing I realized tonight. I had a sudden epiphany. For those of you who haven't known me my whole life I used to be much different than I am today, I was the awkward tall shy girl in the back of the room. Until I hit about 5thish-6ish grade and started seeing people who maybe were worth looking up to. You know what? Most of the things I do are for other people's benefit and not my own. I also used to be extremely smart. Then about 6th grade people started calling me the blonde, now that people where starting to know who I am and I even had a nickname I let it get to my head, because when I used words no one understood they looked at me strange, I didn't like that and thought badly of it. I honestly started acting dumber then I really was just to keep up my "image," I am not going to lie some of the stupid things I said/did where not on purpose; but everyone has their moments, yes? Eventually my acting was too good and yes I honestly am saying that I am not as smart as I potentially could have been. I mean I don't mind the occasional comment and people making fun of me if I do something "blonde." It doesn't really bother me; the scary thing is that I have grown used to it. I am terrible at English and grammar, yes it’s true and when I said abundance wrong during auditions I didn’t care because hey it was a mistake and it could’ve been anyone, it’s not like I did it on purpose to draw attention to myself. I am also a total hypocrite, I do things I am really don’t want because I want to befriend someone and I mean spend like 150 dollars to do something I might only am excited about 30% just because I want to keep them as a friend, but hey if they want to be my friend won’t they just accept me for me? DUH. Well I am sick of pretending, not saying that my whole personality is a lie because it isn’t but from now on if you say to me do you watch _________ I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH THAT SHOW. I am going to say no not really; I think it’s quite terrible.



            Recently, I have also learned people who are in my grade think I’m a bitch. I guess they have good cause to think so, god knows I do act like a bitch in a diaper sometimes, complaining about every little thing all the time. It is also a trait I hate about some people; even though it’s definitely a known characteristic about myself.



            Everything I do is usually for someone else, never for me. I declined a ride home from school from a friend just to prove to my dad I could walk all the way home without getting hit by a car. I am honestly done with pleasing others, from now on everything is going to be for my own benefit and not for the purpose of others. I am going to apply myself to my school work/STAC work 110% before anything else. I am not going to let petty people control my life, not now not ever.

Dada'ing all day long

 While having lots of fun living the STAC good life it’s also work. Dada is our current project and my group is well on our way to making an amazing acting piece. It’s a work in progress, like most others but if it turns out like we all envision it will be a sight to see. I guess when it comes to the acting workshop its really gnawing out my insides. I am just so confused the whole acting concept and I feel like I keep dwelling on this but it’s really bothering me I just want to improve but I think to do that I really need to let go and stop thinking about everything single thing I do so hard. On Tuesday I started to over exert my brain and continuously figure out every single detail. After realizing all of this shit that was going through my brain I decided (if possible) to think blank thoughts visualize the color grey, maybe it worked, maybe it didn’t but I feel that I was getting better at it while slowly working out my malfunctioning brain.

By the way: Why do parents decide to start up conversations at 11 pm at night? Go to sleep

Favorite....

Artists:
The Script
Lady Gaga
Colbie Calliat
The Fray
Train - No. Not soul sister but most other songs
Make-up brands:
Urban Decay
Benefit
MAC

Foods:
Movie popcorn
Grapes
apples
Chocolate Chip Chewy cookies
Pizza
Douplings

Thing to do:
Go to the beach (soak up the sun listening to my ipod & swimming)
Sleep

Quirk:
I do something weird with my lip and can't explain it

Color:
marroon
mossy green
white
black
(technically the last two aren't colors, but I count them still)

What I look foward to:
My Birchbox
Laughing
Dreaming while sleeping then waking up and remembering it was amazing

(A little bit about me)

Sleepy

                When I need sleep, I need it. I cannot contain my word vomit, sometimes people just think I am acting stupid or what not, but all in all its true that everyone needs sleep, especially me. When I am off my rocker it is mainly because I haven't gotten more then 6 hours, when I need at least 8. The only thing so far that I absolutely hate about high school, is that it has deprived me of it. The end. Now, I am going to go enjoy my rest and hope that everyone else it too

Don’t you hate it in movies when…

a girl kisses more than one guy?

they end with a cliff hanger?

 you hate a character for doing the right thing?

 the guy gives up on the girl he said he was in love with?

you can’t ever predict what’s going to happen next?

girls cry for stupid reasons?

after the guy breaks up with the girl she immediately does something with another guy?

people sneak up on a vampire even though they are suppose to have sharper senses?

there’s someone you hate so much you want to pull their eyes out

Graciepooit

I decided to dedicate this blog to the title of my blog, to explain it because after reading it once or twice you might think it sounds like (Grac E POO IT) but if you say it fast it might sound like poo at the end. Well I am not very good with coming up for names, especially if I have to finish it fast. For some reason, people call me graciepoo and so then I decided to make it as if you were doing something my way, which my take on everything and my writing is all about me ; sort of. Yes well okay that’s about it. I usually don't have nothing to talk about (or complain) about, but I decided I am going to try and not to complain from now on and take a positive outlook on everything.

City

I went to the city today. Nothing really special or interesting happened, I just lived life. Gave a kid crying my balloon and he started to smile. This is probably the smallest blog post I have ever written but I am still keeping up with blogging every day. Not to complain, but to write something every day, it is harder than it looks and takes pure dedication. I hope I keep telling myself that I'll thank myself later but not every day of my life is there a life changing story or issue to talk about.

Fun Fact: One strange thing about me is that I like long rides in moving vehicles & just staring out the window contemplating life and other things.

Poor Auntie Hill

I have just hit a complete stop. I am completely afraid of bugs, especially if they creep up on me. My way, though is completely inhumane I usually spray them with hairspray. Tonight, one was crawling on my computer screen and I took a post-it and picked it up and put it in the garbage to hairspray it. Afterwards I went to get a snack, came back up and started to blow-dry my hair. In the middle of this routine I looked at my leg and saw an Ant crawling on it. Quickly, without thinking (because the stupid bug threw me off guard) I started to flick it until it was on my floor. Then I started blow-drying it. Moments later (about 2 seconds) did I realize it was too terrible, but by then the ant had already hardened, by the hairspray and then the heat. I then realized it also wasn't dead, it only could move an antenna I guess I hadn't sprayed. I feel so guilty about the poor creature now and now I have so many thoughts. What would it be like to be frozen? What would you see if you where frozen for forever. I have no idea what it's like when you cannot move, nor do I want to. I just feel so guilty I want to have a memorial serivce. Out of guilt it was named Auntie Hill hence the title.

Gut feeling

 
I decided that I am going to watch very good actors to try and improve what I want to do better. Now, the way that for me to figure out if the acting is good, is if I start getting that jittery gut feeling. This is no ordinary feeling; it is oh butterflies in my stomach flying up my throat feeling. There are some turn around movies as well which is when I am literally bawling at whatever happened in the movie and all of a sudden something in the background, or something stupid will totally break my bond with the television. The only couple of movies/shows that I have been able to get this bawling and continue is The Vampire Diaries, Charlie St. Cloud, & __________ (cannot remember the title at the moment.) I just get so wrapped up in this fantasy land, where all of this drama is happening and then I feel like I am with the characters. I want to give people this feeling. That is my ultimate goal.

PS. I believe that the new revolution in production, is getting make-up remover lotion as a new way to cry on command for people who have a hard time crying. It works great, gets in your eye, stings and makes your eyes shut and go completely red for a minute or two.

Happy Day 9

Today’s workshop helped me immensely. It made me realize at the moment my acting is forced and hasn't reached its potential. I feel that this is a step in a better direction, but it’s as if you ran 2 miles before taking this step off the track. Now your body has to adjust to sitting. It’s going to be very hard to break the old habits of not forcing my body to do not normal things. I hope I will improve over time and be better, like when we did the walking exercise, which was relatively easy compared to the hat exercise. I think that like a few others & I were over analyzing the situation and in my mind I saw something completely different then when I made a fool of myself by putting the hat on, or not using the scared shitless feeling when Megan threw her shoe at me. Hey, well at least it was a learning experience.


Ps. Abundance is not (ABB-U-DANCE)

Obsession on the rise

                DADA, has brought a whole new meaning to me. DADA is not caring what others think. DADA is created to get under other peoples skin. It is to test their thought processes and all they know. To connect the missing dots, it makes you question everything you’ve learned about anything. People argue Lady Gaga is only a mere copy cat of Madonna trying to stay on top. She is way more than this poorly argued myth. She stands for everything and nothing and will continue to inspire people with DADA till she can no longer sing. I never understood the little monsters obsessions until now. I am offcially and always will be a little monster.

Just turned

I have just turned DADA into a verb.
Example: Excuse me, I have to go DADA.

DADA GAGA WAWA

                I have just been brainstorming; I think maybe it would be fun to do DADA art in STAC. The research means that we are probably going to be doing (hopefully) a project sometime soon! Today I have tripped over a bag of good will stuff time and time again. This bag I have thrown things in while cleaning out my room screams DADA ART. My idea is that everyone cleans out some of their items they aren’t going to miss, and one day in class throw all that crap on a table and make us some DADA art. Anything is possible when we put our minds to it; I feel it would be fun. The one rule is we are only allowed to use the materials that are on the table to construct something no glue, scissors, or rulers allowed. Why do we need rulers? I have no clue; anything is possible when it comes to DADA. Plus we could have a time limit. Also I just love typing DADA.

Ps. We would get to see what type of things people hold on too (sort of like dumpster divers.)

Sisterhood of the Petty Arguments

            When you're friends, why do you bother to get into such silly arguments with each other? I don't understand the significance of even calling someone a friend when you say behind their back you hate them. Own up to your feelings, because one day you will be so fed up with pretending. Being fake will make you explode your ugly truth upon someone who might not be as keen on keeping it a secret. When you don't like someone just say it to their face, petty arguments and betrayals don't make things better. Own up to what you have to say and if you don't like somebody YOU don't like somebody. Period.

            I am sick and tired of hearing little bitchy toddlers, bitch. It makes my skin crawl, makes me want to ridicule society for making us all watch jersey shore and make that an excuse to say to ourselves. "Hey, at least I don't rip out her hair and she punches me so hard her fake nails fall off," but to some they've already taken part and think what they did was justified. Stop getting other people involved. The Truth is we as the people, would rather watch from the sidelines then ruin a great friendship or end up being the target of your own worthless hate.

Sincerly your audience,
The People

Fun Day

A day of nothing was at its worst and best day ever. On some days I feel like a loser on my do nothing stay in the house days. I have the nagging voice in the back of my mind say, "Oh, well I am going to clean my room and do my homework today!" After it is now 11:47 on Saturday evening I have only completed my World history homework (which by the way was typing about four sentences.) I have begun my French homework, and only threw my dirty clothes down the hamper. Today I also participated in mass or in other words which I like to call my "Deep thoughts place." To tell you all the truth they aren't deep thoughts, more shallow in how I can fix the world’s problems and what the next tutorial is for YouTube. Church in my religion is where you are suppose to pray to god, well the only thing I was praying for was for them to turn off the AC. All in all I still live in a filth haven, I have more dirty clothes then I did this morning, and the book we are suppose to finish reading by the 19th is out of stock at both Barnes and Nobles closest to yours truly. On the bright side I got to talk to an old friend who kind of moved away, but really only changed schools, make Michelle facebook video chat with me, and got my not so new candle down to a centimeter of wax.

            I can honestly say I have a problem with smells. I don't know how I have gotten this pleasure but it comes with immense side effects. For one, I put on some much Versace bright crystal perfume that I started to feel nauseous in class Thursday. A candle I bought not more than one week ago has almost no more wax, which means it is time to buy a new candle that’s more money than $9.50 will cost my life savings if I were to buy a new candle for every week that costs 9.50 for the rest of the year would cost me $484.50, now that is precious money I could be spending somewhere else. I have affinity toward the hot chocolate smelling candle. This will be the next flavor. I will only buy two candles a month and for the November month I am going to buy a pumpkin smelling candle even though I hate pumpkin.

Lonely Blog

            I am thoroughly going to enjoy blogging every day, I think but in class today I love all the different games we play and thing we do it just makes us better than everyone else (and by that I mean when we were playing the 20 game and sitting around in a circle holding hands. Tonight was also STAC ice-skating? What I loved about it (not saying I'm glad you couldn't come) is that not that many people came it was only about 9 of us, including me got to know each other and everyone's personality’s much better. I have a feeling this is going to be an amazing year because we all have similar personalities or at least ones that click with each others. Getting back to the title though when Luke was talking about the lonely blog I automatically thought, "Oh I bet I am the lonely blog." After talking to Ellen after school about YouTube and other things I started to bring up something that I had mentioned in my blog. Being me, I tend to repeat myself a few times so I was thinking to myself gosh I am already starting to repeat myself, when the magical words came out of her mouth "I read it on your blog." Mentally, in my head, my jaw had just hit the floor and cracked. Then Megan says "Yes, me too, I've been reading everyone’s blog." I am thinking to myself well hey at least I know people are reading what i write and I am not this lonely blog nobody is. Thank god we all have Megan! Another thing I am trying to figure out is all the following stuff. I tried to follow everyone and am listening to directions I got from classmates and my conclusion that I have come to is that all in all I am computer impaired. It is a new undiscovered disease only known to me and the rest of you.

            Example: I tried to follow Anika earlier today, I mean yesterday (technically) but instead I ended up following myself. This makes no sense. Whatsoever.

BLOG BLOGGING EVERYDAY.

                At first I expected for what I love to automatically come to me not sure what was and wasn’t the right thing to write. After about, 10 minutes of staring at my name written on the white wall it hit me and kind of threw me backwards. Who cares? When did it matter to other people what I love and what I don’t? My mind is my own and not someone else’s puppet. The Next problem I ran into, is my train of thought was too long and instead of thinking of maybe one word after another I would think 10. When you have the wall down, it’s hard to get it back to a trickle of thought. My completely unexpected aspect of the project was that I had a fun time connecting with other people’s designs too. The most unexpected thing is that we went to work right away; I thought we would practice for a couple days and it would be a work in progress. No, after writing two words we went right to the canvas and got cracking. When we all took a step back and saw that some people are more independent and others writing you couldn’t even tell apart who’s was who’s unless you looked extremely hard.

                I feel that this was a good experience and turned out well. For a newbie, such as myself I could probably tell many things about the other quieter members in the group by looking at their (what I am calling at the moment) “Web.” You can tell a lot about a person by their thought process as well; personality. This made me grind my brain for all my favorite things when I realized I was suffering Blockbuster syndrome again. I have to tell you even thought I think it is helpful for some projects, I can completely argue each side of my argument. The web was nothing like I imagined, it was over ten thousand times better. I walked away thinking to myself “I have just left a piece of myself on the wall.”

Second Day

Through and through today was inspiring for two reasons. One, all the opportunities we are going to have such as going on the field trip the 23^rd, are hopefully going to give me lots of ideas as of what to create in the program. Apparently I have Blockbuster syndrome, which I think in one way is a good thing if you think about it because you push your brain to think harder? I don't know, maybe it is just a strange coincidence to me but it sounds like a good thing to push you harder. On the upside I now have created many different projects in my head; hopefully they look the same in the real world. Getting back to my second point, if today's lessons were just a sneak peek of what we do most of the time or even some of the time I am completely happy I joined. Just brainstorming, but I think it would be cool if we make a collage out of ourselves? Maybe create a theme to go along with it too, my mind has been wondering recently and it’s just one of the things that popped up into it. Instead of us making art we make ourselves the art... yes. Obviously not as model-esk, but you get the idea.
.

Ps. I think best when I have my Wendy's french fries and chicken nuggets just saying

Well this is akward...

Not sure today was a blog day, but according to a tiny voice in the back of my mind I am pretty sure now everyday is a blog day. On my mind tonight: The beauty of shower singing.

I am folding laundry with my family, (because I am such a "do gooder") when my brother starts to whistle. Now, when people whistle out of nowhere for no apparent reason, and start making up their own tune; this is one of my pet peeves. I obviously tell him to stop it, but no such luck of a nice reply, for instance "okay," "sure, no problem." I get one nasty reply saying "What’s wrong with my whistling, it's nothing different then how annoying it is for me when you sing in the shower. Sometimes it's so bad I can hear you all the way in the basement." Inside I am blushing bright red, because showering is my favorite part of everyday. It is my sanction where I may belt & crack while singing while I don't care who's listening because I don't think anybody is. I never knew I was that loud. But apparently singing "Best thing I never had," at the top of your lung isn't what you call inconspicuous. I guess now next time I attempt this I will have to make sure I am home alone. Is nothing sacred anymore? Not even shower time.