Last week

I like being in the "photography club" so to speak. Even though I am the newbie its all very new and interesting. The distance with the white background was only brought to my attention when someone else said it but as soon as it was mentioned I paid more attention to it as pictures were taken. One thing I find to be very annoying are the shadows the light casts, or when the subject you are shooting moves and you have to start all over again. Its very frustrating. I liked the whole art therapy thing we did, because it was dead on. I do feel trapped. I feel like an outsider. I don't mean to be conceited but I feel that I am so different from everybody else which probably isn't true or I am exaggerating or something else but I am always looking for a metaphorical way to escape from reality. Watching TV or reading, it makes me believe I'm someone else for a time, but I've come to realize that I can no longer escape because escape is avoidance and how am I suppose to live my life avoiding it? I guess I am always changing and unpredictable. When I took the eneagram test last year I was an 8 'the challenger' but I think when Luke had asked me about being another number that stood for 'skeptic' I would most defiantly have to agree. I always asking myself what people want from me. There's always an ulterior motive, its all humans in fact but I guess I am just more aware than others. I am going through a soul searching thing right now I will let everyone know how it goes, after I figure it out for myself that is.

Blah Phase

I am at the moment going through a blah phase. I don't know why. I can't motivate myself to do anything. Not grades, sports, making YouTube videos, or even the arts. I was suppose to have all the definitions and such for lighting equipment memorized and blogged about but I haven't even looked up a single word yet. Even though I could possibly have my ass handed to me for this incompleteness. The only thing I can do is watch TV, and for that matter, just this weekend I must have seen 5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Inception, and 10 episodes of The Walking Dead. It's 11:45 PM and I haven't even started any of my other homework yet, and truthfully I cannot be bothered. I want something to motivate me, something to work hard for, to have a burning passion that I am just itching to fill. Nothing. Empty. That is all I am feeling. I don't know what I am missing yet but I like to watch TV because for however long that episode or show is I am not me anymore and seems to stop. Instead of living my life I am living vicariously through characters on TV. I don't know what to do about it.


On another note:

I was going to put up a blog post on Friday as kind of a review for all of last weeks work we did, but again, in the moment it might be fun but as soon as I leave the room, I leave empty with no drive to do it or talk about it. Photography with Danny and Lisa was interesting but I just don't know what to do about the passion part of the arts, because it is slowly slipping away. Improv again was fun when I was doing it, but then as soon as I got home I could care less, and I don't like it.

Lost

I am lost. I am not motivated. I am confused. Last year when I joined STAC I wanted to be an actor when I grew up. A lot can happen in a year and whatever happened to me has made me very different. I now don't look foward to the exciting things in STAC anymore or the workshops or anything for that matter. I am unmotivated to work. I do not enjoy singing anymore, even though it was not something I worked on improving in STAC, I don't like to do it anymore. Sing? Yes, I do enjoy to sing when I am home alone but for myself, and not for others. I don't love to act anymore. It's something that scares me because it leaves me with no planned out future or passion. My identity is changing and I am unaware of what to do or where I'll go, or for that matter who I am anymore. To myself I dont know who I am. I am trying to find myself again and it's hard. I guess some could say I am going through a phase, but to me it seems to be permanent. I don't like that I am falling away from the arts, because even if that were to happen, no other passion has replaced it. With the new assignment given to us I decided to do fashion photography, but I am not sure its something I am going to enjoy. But whats the point of art if you aren't enjoying what you're doing?